I'm 45 years old today. Certain numbers hit people in different ways. We all have birthdays that come and go without much drama, but we all also have those birthdays that hit us hard. Time is running out. For some reason turning 27 was hard for me. I think 53 was a hard one for my dad. 30 and 40 are classically difficult. 45 is nothing to sneeze at. I better get going. My to-do list is now a to-do soon list. Someday is today. This is how I'm feeling. I think it's healthy. In fact, I'm convinced it's God. To be someone who attempts to follow Christ is to be someone who yearns to finish well. Nothing has more appeal.
But finishing well means something different at 45 with two little kids than it did at 27 when I felt like I was still too much of a kid. It means something different when there's no part of any competition or contest anywhere that seems more interesting than having the time to sit outside on my deck and read a book. It means something different when I genuinely let go of what people think and say about me, good or bad. It means something different when time is precious because it's something I can give to others instead something I can give to myself. It means something different. Getting older means there's less time left, but it also takes the pressure off. My teenaged dreams of greatness now are safely dead and buried. I don't even listen to U2 anymore, never mind want to be their keyboard player. There are all kinds of things I can forget about, put away, dismiss, and release into the wind.
Why do people complain about getting older? Especially Christians? There's a sweetness to this. I'm enjoying, like never before, a great cup of coffee, a pending thunder storm, and an unmowed lawn that I won't harm of blade of today. The striving of youth with all its perspiring ambition gives way to the smiling, settled indifference of slightly weary middle age. (How's that for bad writing!) Now I want to do things because I want to do them, not because I want them to do something for me. I feel urgency and drive, but they're different. They're calmer and less prone to frustration. Is it possible that the older you get, the younger you feel in your spirit? Is it possible that the more certain and abundant your failures in life have been, the more you can really succeed in ways that satisfy your spirit?
One thing is certain.
There's an amazing difference between the life God chooses for us and the life we would choose for ourselves.
