Seasons

It is difficult to write about some things in a given platform. Were I to write about what I've been thinking lately, I suspect this tiny blog, because it is public, despite the fact that it is seldom read, would not be the appropriate place. I had a formal conversation with a respected colleague today who knows me well and knows well the details of various situations I find myself in as a church pastor. She diagnosed me as someone in transition. She did not intend for me to experience her reflections as a diagnosis. I offered the visual of a river with a slow but constant current. The current is sometimes too slow; other times it is too fast. These perceived speed differences are unrelated to the actual current. They are the result of unsteady emotions. Such emotions accompany real change. The change is the steady current. I admit that I'm in the midst of real change. I'm moving down a new river. Things that once interested me no longer do. The flames that once lit certain goals now only exist in my memories. What I once craved as success was only the idea of success. A woman last night at a church function spoke about the increased use of our new building this Easter and beyond and chirped, "Pastor John, your dream is coming true." I too quickly and too firmly retorted, "This is not my dream!" She didn't understand. I hastily buried my rude clarity under pillows of fuzz and niceness. But the truth remains: despite good ministry and a fine new building, there is nothing associated with the work God has called me to as a pastor that presently falls under the category of "dream." This is new for me and challenging, but more challenging is any attempt I've made to explain it to my wife, myself, and even God. Is this how a called person, with many of life's direction questions cancelled by vows, experiences mid-life crisis or "half-time?" As always, I find Scripture verses anchor my wavering mind. Ecclesiastes 3:1 is one of a handful of verses that talks about a season. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." There's also a verse I'm preaching this weekend. 2nd Timothy 4:2 commands me to "preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction." No two seasons are the same. One season does little to prepare us for the next. Slowly the current of time pulls us out of one and into another. There's nothing anyone can do to stop this.

Yet I look forward to spring. Maybe I have a dream about spring. Thank God for spring.