Work at Not Being a Jerk

I've seen people act like jerks. It's part of my profession. Pastors see people at their best and at their worst. We also see many people act like jerks. Every pastor I know has struggled with this. We want people we're charged to care for not to sabotage themselves spiritually or socially and not to hurt others. Of course, some people do it anyway. We then have the difficult job of trying to help the jerk, trying to help others not be jerks themselves in reacting to the jerk, and trying to undo the damage to the environment that jerky behavior causes. The official definition of a jerk is "a contemptibly obnoxious person." Herein lies the true problem; it is the contempt. I know it's the adverb in this definition, but contempt is the real edge of jerkiness as well as the problem inside the hearts of those who are affected by it. Obnoxious behavior by itself doesn't hurt anyone. It's when contempt drives it and contempt informs how it is experienced that people start hurting themselves and others. Here are some approaches that help me in dealing with jerks:

1) Don't take their behavior personally. This is the root of contempt. To hold people in contempt is to disregard them, to look down on them, to see oneself as better than them, to scorn them, and to see them as worthless. This is exactly what jerks do. They disregard you and your feelings. Don't let them. You accomplish this by not taking it personally.

2) Don't be a jerk to those who are being a jerk to you. Don't return the favor. Don't apply a backwards golden rule. Contemptibly obnoxious behavior is contagious. It can be like a cancer. Recognize this and take it seriously. Don't drink from the cup of contempt, no matter how tempted you are. The temptation is great too. Don't underestimate this. Often, jerky behavior seems like the best route. It never is.

3) Consider the real source. People act like jerks, but this doesn't mean that they are jerks. Sure, they define themselves and even defend their behavior as jerks. Hard core jerks are hard to talk down from their perches of contempt. Nevertheless, and no matter what they say, this is not who they really are. Often personal pain is the seed for contemptible conduct. Bullies are suffocating in their fear. Blamers are trapped by deception and insecurity. Bashers are burning inside with anger. Show them pity, not contempt. They need the forgiveness and healing of God that comes through Christ. Pray for them to get it. "Lord, have mercy on this wounded person. Keep him/her from continuing down this path. Keep me from showing them contempt, from joining them. Give me a heart to love even those who act like jerks. Amen."